daturas' garden

en hiver!

2009-12-17T17:46:00.003-05:00

one more distraction...besides the snow!
christmas is coming and i'm head first in the middle of exams. actually as of tomorrow its over for one more semester. i wish my mind would just retain more.

tibialis anterior
peroneus longus and brevis
scalene insertion
palmaris longus
nemesis serratus
proprioceptive neuromuscular facilitation as reciprocal inhibition and autogenic inhibition
coracobrachialis
pes anserine
acute aquired torticollis
RA is systemic
toes and fingers are numbered medial to lateral in anatomical position
mills test for lateral tendonopathy
reverse mills for medial tendonopathy

i wonder if i can remember the eight reindeer...

2009-12-04T15:46:00.009-05:00

These pictures were taken by a photographer friend in october, it won't be 09 for much longer. My stare is floating out the window of this freshly painted room into freshly falling snow. First time this year, I think the wind is refusing to touch it just like everyone else. It's accumulating in the air like a shaken snow globe circulating. And just like that, it stops. The best part is the hazy orange sun behind it all.

Rafflesia: A desk sized addition to daturas garden.

2009-12-03T21:32:00.016-05:00

priorities shift constantly as do the days. and they always will. gut instinct can be associated with pattern recognition. if you agree with that then you've thought about it before.

previously i almost married. the dress in the window was mom approved and my dad would have groaned, but given me away. currently i am almost married. for all the wrong reasons, i'm terrified. pattern recognition can go to hell, my instincts feel burned to ash with my parents anyway.

visions dreams drugs. i used to rely on my emotional integrity. the most intimate relationship of this life. it let me know who i was, and what i wasn't. now i don't know what i am or who i'm meant to be. never right, never wrong, only honest. my actions feel mute and the storms coming in are throwing apples to the ground before my words even have a chance to be fruitful. instead i speak in hail and cold rain, hissing discomfort and somehow managing to grow only because water is essential to it and thats what i happen to be. tulips can't be rabbits she says. a flower will still be a flower, it just might be different depending on its growing conditions. this organic petal pusher has been a mystery for 200 years. it's related to the poinsettia and smells terrible. c'est la vie.

a demain.

Reckoner

2009-06-27T07:09:00.002-04:00

this morning i woke up at 4 o'clock. i have no english equivalent to the emotions that swept over me. i understand those italian grandmothers who wail on and on for their loved ones in passing.
i cried, shook, drooled, sobbed silent and cried some more. then i woke my sister up wailing and cried some more. greg rocked me, held me safe while my body convulsed and essentially caught up to the events sped, stored, shocked and burned in my memory. brains eventually might, but body cells never forget. i doubt driving will ever be the same.

"m'am, don't get out of your car on the highway."
after the officer confirmed that no, he could not escort me to sutton, the urgency of the situation hit hard. i think my dad is dead, i have to get to the house.
he had sympathy, but what do you do with a girl in white with a name tag on bawling about a would be scenario? he waits until i'm calm, lets me off and says stay safe, there's a speed trap ahead and that officer won't care what you have to say. he waited for me to pull back onto the road and drives away.

I listened to Thom Yorke sing Reckoner on repeat. it was going to take me another agonizing 45 minutes under hopeful sun and assuring blue sky down winding country roads before my biggest fear since my mother died was confirmed immediately. I wondered if this was why I wasn't in arizona. I had to be here for my father. A/C on, Yaris slowing, stomach wretching i turned down the private road in sutton to the well loved cottage house where my dad had his name proudly displayed in tacky letters on the mail box.

its 7:22am, saturday morning. i'm going to make another coffee. everyone is still rightfully asleep. we haven't left each others side for three days. all phones are charging.

three police cars, the black coroners van and a champagne truck. officers and men in suits are standing outside, lights are flashing and cars are running. the photographer gets into the truck as i stop slightly to the right of the middle of the road and open the door. the heat hits me. this is right out of C.S.I i swear.
Are you Kellie? A nice man in a suit asks me. He's standing with the coroner and a notepad. He said he's sorry to be the one to tell me, my father has passed away. funny, you never know how your body and mind will respond to that, especially after being worked up and adrenaline ready. as ready as you can be. The first thing I asked about was the dog. Where's Dax. They told me she wouldn't let the men in the house, but let the woman officer coax her into the backyard. They brought her food and water.

The questions beging before my head has a chance to spin. I pray for patience, Greg is on his way. I did my best to offer what little information I had for them under the circumstances, without know fully what those circumstances even were yet. The nice men walk away, and an awkward man approaches me telling me he needs a statement, I needed him to just back off.

I walked over to the coroners van and the man who greeted me first. I want to go into the house. We don't reccommend that. People like to remember their loved ones as they were. I appreciate that. I need to go into the house. Compassion for the daughter of the deceased overrides and I am escorted onto the premises and through the familiar, open front door. I have no regrets.

The house is cool and clean. Walking in I think of my brother and sister, my grandparents, the fathers day we just had and how sincerely lucky we are to have those recent memories.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, co workers and people who just care so very much;
Allan Spicer died peacefully in his home. He was, as witnessed, sitting in the recliner chair with an empty glass of red wine and a fork beside him. The tv remote sat in front of him on the coffee table along with the printed off pages he made listing the HD channels for his TV that he could never quite remember. The wine, my brother had given him for fathers day. On the dining table behind the living room in his house rested his hat, his sunglasses and current pictures he'd had printed for us because he said it was just nice to have photographs sometimes instead of digital pictures.

I am blessed that the angels let me be here for this, for you, for my dad. I consider every second of this unexpected loss to be a gift. What my father went through in his 58 years was more than what most people dream to do in 100. Ultimately it took its toll. We are all loved and know it well. In the event of his death, my father has had all arrangements gift wrapped, stamped and sealed for us. Let this be an example to everyone young and old. The only thing we have to do is our best to go through the motions and ship it off in good time.

The baby is being fed, the dog is on her way outside and i'm about done my second coffee. There is still so much to be done in a very short time. I want to thank Kathy and Tammy who worked with my dad for their keen, brave and active concern. Also for closing the clinic and being at the house with us on Wednesday. Jeanette, who knew my parents professionally and personally before I was born for calling the York Region Police and taking care of me via cell phone on the road. Greg for calling 911 under pressure, meeting me there and never leaving my side. You lost a good friend and my dad loved you so very much. Uncle Joel and Kevin (in order of arrival) for being here so fast without question, you are treasured! Thank you. Tricia, you'll always be my friend - you know too much. Tara for sending out the emails and spreading the news. My grandparents for all their love and support in this extremely difficult time, no parent should ever outlive their child. My siblings Erin and Kevin, my soon to be siblings Kara and Ryan, for taking the news so well and supporting each other. I'm so sorry. To every single person I can't mention at this moment Thank You in advance for your support and love.
Please share your memories with us, and others. This is a celebration of LiFE.

Allan Robert Spicer
Son, Husband, Father, Grandfather, Friend.
November 25, 1950-June 24, 2009
Rider on the Storm

2009-06-26T08:49:00.002-04:00

my dad was always proud of this blog. he printed every post out page by page in colour and put it in a folder "for me". my dad died wednesday. june 24. yesterday was my parents 30th anniversary. i'd say at least they can be together, but who's idea of heaven is the same as their ideas of life on earth? i hope he's somewhere better than 30 years of marriage. although i do hope they got a chance to acknowledge each othe in the spirit world. whatever.
i'm sitting here typing on my brothers girlfriend's laptop. the keys are so springy, its making this post fun. i have my five month old nephew sleeping on my chest in a makeshift baby wrap pashmina so i have hands free. my coffee is cold but delicious. its early for all who were up late processing. the appartment is quiet. the sun is coming through the window in intervals. everytime i look up something new about my dad on facebook or start to get emotional, it shines so bright i have to cover the baby's face. i'm so lucky to have family around me. ...and there's that sunshine.

really didn't see this coming. we all had a chance to give it one last visit, one last phone call before the one i got that my dad didn't show up for work.
get some one to the house, i said. he was complaining of chest pain over the weekend.
another call from a friend who knew both my parents before i was born, and worked with my dad.
kellie, i knew your mom and dad honey, its not like your dad to miss work like this, i've called the police to go check on the house. i'll call you as soon as i hear.
i'm supposed to sit still? this was at ten thirty. by one i still hadn't heard anything so i called her back. the police had just arrived at her work to get information.
furious! that no one had been to the house yet i left work and called greg. i yelled at him to call 911 and hung up the phone. the drive up the 400 to newmarket was automatic but by the time on turned onto davis i was officially not ok to drive. i was also doing 120 in a 70. begging for the police officer i just sped past to pull me over, i saw flashing lights behind me and did just that.

I am a Dandelion

2009-01-04T22:19:00.007-05:00

I'm eating egg salad in a chipotle sundried tomato wrap. My dad made the pickles I've got on the side with grape tomatoes and a slice of mozzarella cheese for colour. its after ten and i'm hungry. the extra ten pounds i'm starting this year off with might have something to do with eating habbits. healthy, but hard to time it right with a school schedule.

Tomorrow marks the last day of christmas break and I'm up for another semester of who knows what before second year is over. Tuesday morning starts at 8am with an in depth introduction to the nervous system and moves to an afternoon of kinesiology. Now that I've got my closet organized, i can move on to the binders. I've got to weed out the good and the bad from the notes of previous semesters. Chart explaining tidal volume good, sketch of teacher in carnival costume...not bad spicer. focus.

resolutions? of course i'll get back on track with yoga and fit into my jeans comfortably. i'll save up the flight east to see my sister and a new february baby. I'm vowing that important friendships will see some well deserved attention... last year was not a great year for keeping in touch. I'm done wishing i was somewhere else. soon enough, i will be.

Cremaster m.

2008-03-31T20:32:00.002-04:00

musculus cremaster controls superior and inferior movement of the scrotum. The purpose of this movement is to regulate temperature and also promote spermatogenesis ( sperm meaning sperm, ato being filler to join genesis meaning the beginning or origin of). Cremaster originates at the inguinal ligament and is innervated by the cremasteric artery and the genital branch of the genitofemoral nerve.

If i had a cremaster muscle, i'd definitely like to expose it to some chosen professors as a gesture of appreciation for their misunderstanding and lack of communication that has helped us as students, so much along the way.
matthew barney doesn't exist at georgian college, and finals suck balls.

multiple choice

2007-10-12T10:38:00.000-04:00

mino quit her job to pour magnificent flammable substances. won't be long before she sets this new trail on fire.
i presented to the class with a fish bandana on my head. calm blue ocean. good mark. its over.
the food pyramid tells you to eat lots of carbs, and very little sugar.
carbohydrates are sugars.

thinks on top:

M.A.C.
motorcycles
multiple choice
midterms
middle earth

the m's are coincidental, as is the fact that for once, i separated whites from colours/darks.

last night i washed a small red hoodie. It was vintagey red, faded on the inside. Who knew.
today i wore pink jeans and easter socks.

other thinks:

halloween
buttons
blanket stitch
epithelial tissue
new boots.
mittens (mitten!)
firewire
magenta K
painting dots
rachel ann
breakups
knee bones
graphic novels

skin is considered an organ.
a student in class today made a presentation, a very bad one, on yoga.
when he was asked what he meant my enlightenment, he stuttered and stopped. froze.
personally i think he should have been prepared for that if you're doing a presentation what started as a spiritual practice in the first place.
oh caca.
to his defence, i redirected some heat.
did you just ask him to explain enlightenment?
we need more than 30 seconds for that one.
haha goes the class. we discussed a little.
after a presentation with a live cat, on how declawing your cat is a wretched horrible cruel gross thing to do to these little bitty babies, isn't that right cleopatra?, a carefully timed 3-5 minutes of enlightenment would have been nice, but a little much for an 8am class...poor cleopatra.

anyway. time to motor to a three hour tour of CMTO, RHPA, HPRAC, and whatever else health standards.

joy.

Golgi Apparatus - pack it up and ship it out

2007-10-03T15:20:00.000-04:00

i had to post this now, i didn't have time this morning.

*

ok gross.
my alarm just woke me up from a dream...and right now it seems that blogger is processing through thick cytosol. am i still dreaming? the letters on the screen are being counted out slowly, i'm a line ahead of myself and can't see the typos. its early blogger, i forgive you.

in this dream, mino puts on this movie that bjork made (that doesn't exisit). Apparently I have to see it. She says i'll love it.

The dvd case and the opening scene are filtered blue. its a Thriller set up, inside an 80's work out studio, litterally. bunch of zombies in a blue indoor movie set. glossy floors, hot highlighter colours splashed across the background, its rad and ready to go. but its dark.

the only part bjork had in this movie was to call out action and dance away mysteriously, i seriously think matthew barney took it from there. the first scene for some reason has romantic music, one zombie, infected, surrounded by others. all are dark skinned, our leader is the only one aware of her zombie state. its like interpretive ballet. don't ask.
she has control over her zombie state. impossible.
she delicately chews a piece of face from a dear friend. he doesn't understand. he's infected. she believes she is doing whats best for him. his transformation is what i woke up from.

he freaks out in his mind full of new zombie blood, feels like adjusting to some form of tribal hallucinogenic, he looks at this leader for help and understanding. at this point my eyes are his and as we look up desperately, we get a close up shot of our leaders head, specifially the mouth... another head is unnaturally crunching out from between her distressed teeth. jaws breaking, eyes rolling, bulging, leaking. both heads are about as functional as an Edgar suit, but the presence pushing this to happen is on a mission. i'd guess clive barker could pull this one from his portfolio of pastels.

fucking gross. both heads are amazingly still functional, and both are full of different
information necessary for leader survival as controlled zombie/ human leader.

our victim is revolted by this, and terrified. transformation proceeding he starts throwing up violently, excess zombified liquids.
i hear the sounds of this and feel the muscles stiffen. before i know it, i'm in the zombie leader, whose two heads are watching over this, reassuring him that it must happen. he must see the truth. as my view changes, i'm horrified to see that our zombie man is not only throwing up, but there is a body coming out of his mouth. he's stopped
breathing and is now just convulsing, gurgling and sloshing of body fluids is still being heard.a snake rejectinga meal 4 times its maximum size. special FX spared no expense.
what he eventually squeezes out is an impossibly thin human being. a spiritual guide to him. uncle, he says, i need your help. the emaciated man is so dark he is almost blue skinned, and wearing white. i woke up to my alarm in my dream, as the two parts of a new zombie embraced each other on the floor. the other zombies danced around the whole series of events.

in place of blood, puss and other random imaginative disgustingness, everything was clear or green speckled, thick liquid. rancid alien saliva, like we were made of plant cells instead of animal. nice to know my brain protects me a little bit during sleep.

weird.

Sock Puppets and Studying

2007-09-23T15:35:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for a phone call. I think someone else i know has died, but all-mighty facebook tells me about what happened to this person is word of wall that it was shocking and unfortunate. Give me a call, it says. With all due respect, I wonder if the universe will deliver a story more interesting than death. I'm bored of the bruises from beating this subject around the brain.

It seems appropriate that i started the day studying psychology at starbucks. It also seems I have a hard time compromising. i was one of ThOSe customers who asked for a special french press. Good thing they know me, and i have common sense enough to guage how far i can push a busy line on a sunny sunday morning.

A) Inappropriately dissecting 3D thought bubbles one dimension at a time B) Without concluding to commit brutal bubble massacre transversely, violently and repetitively seems impossible.

today.
i must study, stuff, stitch and remain sane.
and i will.

i'm going outside.

1600

2007-04-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

this is how much money i'm allowed to make per year in school. 800 a semester and something like 50 a week. i submitted my application today after having financial assistance at the campus i'll be going to look it over with me. while i'm at work i imagine what it would be like to greet people with my feet and show them around walking on my hands. toss them a cushion with my big toe, how about this one?
i'm feeling ridiculously left out regarding any social life i ever remember having, only to know that i'm going to be farther and farther away in the near future. a girl i work with won a weekend in vegas. all they had to do was go to some 90 minute seminar and they were too lazy to go. fuck i'd eat silk worms to go to the dessert for a weekend. i find it harder and harder to communicate with people i haven't seen forever, its all hollow conversation, and not the good kind maynard whispers. the kind with zero follow up that ends up in sloppy banter back and forth that echos of i just met you small talk. i'm not in a wooden house in the hills or anything but frustration is compiled, complete and without sounding like a total victim, i'm done trying to keep up.

2007-04-08T09:00:00.000-04:00

Easter Snowday

2007-04-08T07:40:00.000-04:00

The snow is getting to me, but the coffee is still good. The birds of paradise my sister brought home for Easter are an incredibly welcome contrast to the falling snow outside. actually, now that i'm looking its pretty surreal. The snow is falling straight down, and in every other active stripe as i'm looking through vertical blinds peeked open to let the morning through. We're waiting for the almost 5 year old to wake up for the easter bunny, i'm surprised...ha, and as i type, here she is. gotta run! Happy Easter!

The only reason I got up for work today was to wear cowboy boots with a skirt on a saturday.

2007-03-03T22:23:00.000-05:00

had i known i'd be dancing damage control between Alfred Sung and a fellow weekend worker, I would have dressed the part. but then, those boots are made for walkin'. and thats just what i did.

i gave up the fight early for a day that started off with my lime leather gloves being bottom bag snooped out dog snacks for dax. previously breathing in and out a borrowed wool sweater returned hollie sized and walking into a painting i was working on now watered down and smudgified beyond 5 year old belief, i was primed to keep the peace.

i can't handle any more anxiety, especially over an angelic artificial orchid arrangement and a discount. for the love of FUCK someone just give the man his 10%...how do you spell authority when your manager resigned yesterday? you P-A-G-E really loud through the whole showroom so that the other managers
call you back right away to yell at you, and oh...look at that...give you permission to process the paperwork. I can't take credit for that but it was damn funny...and incredibly effective*.

*I have to say that in doing everything in elte policy first, second and third, this was an end of the rope last resort. saturdays are busy. I'm just happy to say the situation ended well and i'm a lazy bridge of communication. i processed nothing and walked away from the wrapping waving goodbye with a smile.

2007-02-19T15:44:00.001-05:00

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past -
Dont tell no lie.

I wont tell no lie.

28

2007-02-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

2007-01-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

How is it tHat Heating leftovers in tHe microwave for two minutes-stiring Half way- still manages to leave tHe noodles cold and tHe vegetables on tHeir way to tHe worlds favourite cure album?

aaiyaH.

The Fractal Structure of Broccoli Romanesco
A fractal is a shape with structure on all scales of magnification. This vegetable (from the cauliflower family) is self-similar: it is made from parts that have the same shape as the whole.
I'd cook it whole, and have pocket melon for dessert.

2007-01-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

passion, to me tonight feels left behind. i'm drained from the dreaming but its all in the breath i'm sure. breathing patterns and yoga, sharing it with someone intimately, exchanging words, promoting circulation, breathing means you're alive. stop breathing and your heart will only beat for so much longer.

my whole grain heating pad is in the microwave and in three minutes it will be on my lap like a cat i'm not allergic to. i'm not cold, it just feels good. a friend of mine has an interview at my place of employment, i figured i'd pass on a resume and return the favour. wish me luck at my second interview if and when i find out about it. i went to visit some friends of mine for the second night this week. they live ten minutes away from me and have a 5 month old offspring who is most fun to squish. however, its the mix of this new life carried by the adult conversation that appeals to me. the kind of adult conversation that finds itself humming quiet riot and the retro remake from donnie darko to soothe the baby to sleep. the stuff that makes "serious" feel normal and funny in a superman t-shirt as opposed to neurotic and over-focused in a suit. i'm discovering that there is a time when you have to become your own role model and start to filter the friends and partners that influence your life. the book of min believes that love is not just about staring at each other, but about facing the same direction. although it fails to mention motion and the survival guide of individual pace, i'm with you all the way.

2007-01-16T20:07:00.000-05:00

a girl, a meditation and fear walk into a bar...

this isn't the kind of dream that has an obvious punchline, at least not one that i can get a grip on in light of being mentally paralyzed by it for the time it takes for my conscious mind to realize its awake now.

phase in, fade out, shake the waking stick about...

a tall friend acompanies me to a retreat, a cedar centre of remedy and relaxation. there are no white walls and no easy way out.

i know what waits for me. i warn the man before he starts drumming around me. i tell him, it's too strong. leave it alone. even my dream state is not willing to give in so easily. there is no safe place. i inhale only to exhale a second hesitation as he sets the drum down beside himself on the floor. almost seated he faces me with eyes i recognize in spite of a body i don't. my unformed words are halted by a simple vision of bare bark. a tree of life grown to reveal an empty core. caged by reaching branches - protective bones ill set and fused - shimmers a body of gypsy soft light and mint mystic movement. freshly frosted and swirling, this healing love should manifest mother in the freedom of foliage. instead it speaks in parables of a loss not let go.

behind the vessels of closed eyes, heart and mind make an agreement while the violet light of my memory burns the image of a personal wisdom to remember.

lifted lids allow a bubble to be translated from the light and meditation begins. both guardian and guide have permission to see.
in the far corner of a blurred field i see a blotch. a blackness that i know is the form of a wolf in waiting. frustrated, i am not afraid. amped anger and ego appear as i appear in in the bubble at close range. the manifested self holds a lead stance that will fight to the death. trembling land quiets under a distant paw put forward to match that bet and raise her another step closer.

if you've ever been on drop zone you'll know that the terrifying thrill of the ride is over before you even get a chance to inhale, forget time for screaming.

The high pitched growl cry of a jaguar shatters the sound barrier and in stop motion madness the darkness destroys me with targeted tears to the solar plexus. i'm sure my heart stopped in my sleep. in retrospect i'm thankful that i didn't wake up at this point needing bedtime pants and knowing that "what waits for me is too strong." if any of that bubble was in my control in the seconds i was alive in it, it definitely is out of my dead hands now.

dreaming and staring into this vision ball floating in front of me i've gone into shock, determined to somehow rescue my blood soaked manifested self i reach for the bubble.

the wolf digs deeper into my lower intestine and bears all teeth and gums. for the first time it stares at me directly. the eyes unmistakably tell me, this is mine now, i killed it, you cannot have it back, this is not for you anymore and i hear the spine crack. the more i reach for the part of my soul that kept that wolf far away for so long, my protection, a clear warrior self, my strength, the more violent he shook, like the dog who finally caught that elusive rabbit. screaming like a 4 year old lost in a forest in the dark with no hope of ever finding home i lost it. closed my eyes and bubble drops. delusional i scream nonsense at the meditaion master saying how could you, why would you, i tried to tell you...through distressed breathing i'm screaming and rocking i'm dead i'm dead i'm dead i'm dead what do i...i'm dead. images of blood, red drooling off teeth, staining snout, its everywhere i can't stop freaking out. For a split second i can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. i wonder if the wolf is the beginning or the end, enemy or friend.

it is not the masters role to interfere, but the guardian has had enough. no nonsense nurturing cradles me shaking up off the couch and tells me the story of fantasia. the ivory tower still stood. what the nothing destroyed, imagination rebuilt stronger and better than ever. as soon as the calm washes over me i black out. waking in dream, holding hands to a chanting voice, our knees feel the vibrations through the floor boards of remedy. shamanic energy, blue lines represented, a circle of dust scattered, followed by a white feathers falling like snow. a blessing. but not specifically for this time, it was a blessing of things to come.and such a still feeling of peace.

still feeling a warm hand in mine and vibrations in my heart i woke up in tears and stayed that way for a good half hour. which is a long time when its 3am and you're alone. you'd think this was a good release or something but i have to tell you it just stirred up shit that no dream can ever fully tackle and has seemed to trigger a 6 night stretch of nightmares and nelly furtado.
i'm not sure which is the lesser of two evils.

Well the dogs were barking at the new moon Whistling a new tune Hoping it would come soon And the sun was wondering if it should Stay away for a day Til the feeling went away And the sky was falling on the Clouds were dropping and the rain forgot how to bring salvation and the dogs were barking at the new moon Whistling a new tune Hoping it would come soon So that they could die.

hope you enjoyed the story kiddies.

2007-01-02T21:37:00.000-05:00

coral sweat pants and a cozy white on white mug assure that hot cherry drugs will soothe a sore throat and send sleep soon. With a friendly blue whisper from the softest security for the holidays, i'll be out in no time. or now. meaning holiday reflections will continue. goodniiight...

F : U

2006-11-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

christmas shopping car insurance business cards a mean occurance destination overdrive a salted rim now look alive its lucky love inherited and bumble kids to terrorize of course i mean no disrespect if you object with retro eyes. its a free country. so far.

now, to calm me...

2006-11-17T06:49:00.000-05:00

a passenger lost in a starbucks drive-thru, i'm dreaming. greg says don't worry i'll get us through the line. and he does. if there's one thing he knows in my head its driving. i was annoyed. annoyed at the line, annoyed at the useless confusion of this congested roadway. why don't we just go in? its not that important lets just go.
end.
i'm walking like i was the other day. past the bridge on king at atlantic and i go up to the mysterious townhouses that are on the north side of the street. for some reason that road opens a staircase, walking it takes me to a new realm, time moves faster in the empty country air. its all so beautiful and now its night. open fields, i'm walking down a wide road with a line of big trees on one side and rows of corn on the other. the moon is massive and yellow and not full. imagine mario 3, warp whistling to world 4. the moon ridiculously playfully oversized and felt just as ridiculously playfully creepy in this empty place. it was fun before i got tired of walking. my car came out of nowhere and started driving ourselves way too fast down this road. i might as well have been tucked in the trunk. it kept taking me onto dirt service roads that led into stables and little cul de sacs with white picket fences. i remember the deeper i went here the scarier it got. i wanted to go home and then the car popped like a bubble and was no more. i was stranded and time was moving way to fast. i had to get back, i figured i had at least a four hour walk ahead of me and no one was to be seen to ask for help. so i started walking. the road was unclear and instead of flat terrain it was now forrested and muddy. trees were gnarled and the moon is mean. it wants me to be lost. but its lighting my way. saying learn bitch. be scared. i'm here but i'm not helping.
illuminate.
i'm finally about to give up. i'm supposed to meet someone back in realtime and i'm thinking its just better to hide myself into the side of this muddy hill for the night than keep walking. just as i'm lost and contemplating something i would never normally do i hear a drip. then i feel one. in every movie they always look up and sure enough there's a hanging body in the tree above me and its slaughtered fresh.
i pulled my phone out to call greg and woke up.
i left him in bed and came here.
its just a dream.

i'd take the dog for a walk but its raining again. and i'd have to wake her up.I'm thinking its time to read a whole new series of toltec four agreements.or make some movies. maybe a young johnny depp will guest star in the first one if i promise not to fall asleep. or mention that happiness is hearding sheep.

2006-11-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

feeling like a failure f*ckup must be universal this week. BUT let me tell you this. I had the best day i've had in a long time yesterday. after some morning joga and hugging Min off to work, i backtracked and parked my car at one of its usual homes dowtown toronto. i hit up the bank for some coffee cash and ran into Z. he's stillworking in graphics and his wife is scheduled to have baby #2 by C section on thursday. I walked him to the office on Atlantic and snuck into the building to say hi to Mike Sweet. Mikey and his wife have adopted their first baby. Yuna is 9 months old and in good hands! After gooing and gaaaaaing i set out through automatically locked doors to say hi to paula the receptionist and asked her about her little guy too. she said have a great day and i left. sunshine was there and i set out under the pigeon poo brigde towards queen west. i hadn't hit shaw when i ran into Quan...clearly running late with a latte..which is weird for him on both accounts. I forgot that queen st. doesn't start up anytime before noon. which for some reason was still nice. i like the city when its quiet and active at the same time. i walked to spadina slowly because Taro was closed for breakfast! I killed time with my wired magazine until 12 and met jasmin for lunch at cossette. she treated me to delicious carrot ginger soup and sandwiches at a busy artsy/intelligent cafe where people with "smart forheads" feast their eyes on walls of gourmet ingredients and dark chocolate. walking her back to work i ran into a friend i hadn't seen in four years. Markus and Rita live in oakville, are both working in computer arts and have just had their first child. I stopped to pee.
Moving along i travelled back up to queen and started the trek back. hit the stores i wanted to hit, volunteered to silkscreen with the playdead cult over the holidays, ran into Neil, another artist. looked for a baby shower gift for a girl at work, called out brianhowe for coffee and talked about the 5 year plan he finished for himself last night. walked back onto Liberty. called Leann, "my friend who looks like me" who wanted me to stay downtown to hang out and gave me the keys to her appartment. BTW i had the BEST coffee catch up time with CHRiS ALLeN who will never hate me as much as he thinks he does.
By this time i've been walking for 7 hours around the immediate downtown core, running into people i haven't seen in forever. i was chilled and pretty thirsty. I took her keys and headed back to my car only to run into two more people from the old office who, of course, say why don't you come in and say hi? So i killed the next hour catching up in the old/new office. it has runways now, and cubicle pods. managed to get myself invited to the staff christmas party and made it back to leanns place on just as she pulled up with her bike.
now i'm really tired. and hungry.we caught up for a while and instead of heading home she talked me into going for dinner. work has been relentless as far as follow up and flounders goes. i've tried everything from costume to cake making in attempts to let it go but the truth is always there. its a matter of turning the table and shaking IT up for a change. switch up routines and keep moving. anyway, we had incredible vegan appetizers at an unfortunately nameless place in my head right now, but the atmosphere was perfect. i knew every freaking song on the indie tit playlist (thanks RYaN...) and we had two pots of looseleaf whole grain green tea with brown rice. we saddled up, she have me a hug, borrowed a cd and when i got home i found this picture in my inbox. i've been feeling defiant. sick of this settling feeling of a looming future and low frequency stimulation. frustrated and friendly do not go hand in hand, or up this seething social/economical ladder. the planets are rising, the rungs have rattle tails and i've gone renegade.

For Hair Loveliness

2006-11-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

Foggy all the way home, it's been a pretty cold, damp, misty day.
I just used the best conditioner ever from a visual standpoint. Herbal essences has a new line out in pretty periwinkle plastic packaging. The conditioner itself shares the same hue. It smells incredible in its opaque goodness but feels like you're about to smear bleach all through your hair without gloves, the kind of thick peroxide only a professional should stripe their beard hair with.
Coco-Mango and Pearls.
Pearls. Reminds me that we all have some shade of cocktail dress in vegas and that its imperative and perfectly acceptable to accept that we learn from previous actions and our reactions. It makes our more flowy choices feel rooted and true. i try to hold on to the fact that smart and unsmart work in even cycles and keep an equal pace on both. smrt.

I got handed a stack of new designer applications at work today which means I just got a raise if I can manage to establish a rapport and keep communications going. I have faith. which is how i'm planning on pulling a reiki master degree out of my ass in the new year. The network is there, i just have to reach for it. like any project, starting is the hardest part. actually in this case it feels like completing it has been, but then what is complete really. there's always room for interpretation,
and i'd rather not start that now, i'll analyze it forever.
I picked up the new W I R E D magazine. I'm gonna go read about the new Atheism. No heaven. No hell. Just science...and pin curls. We'll see how the world is with all of this loveliness tomorrow.

Lily whites and muppet teeth.

2006-11-11T08:07:00.000-05:00

its 8am i slept in. i have to leave for work in half an hour, pack thing for random goings on tonight and decide what to wear work tomorrow. my eyes are still half closed, my mouth is dry and i woke up from another dream that has me totally freaked out.
i was with my mother and of course as if i don't think about it enough, she was dying. only i could n't tell if she was faking it. she kept telling me through tubes in her face to kill her. she spelled it out for me. i thought and thought, i was the only one in this bright sunshiney room, then she said, i just don't want to go to work.
i thought is this a joke? you want me to go lights out because you don't want to go to work? but then, she gets up and pops chemo that comes in convenient foil form like any old birth control, gets dressed and goes to the hospital to don her compassionate nurse face. i'm filled with confusion and rage, what if i pushed that button you asshole. put me through that for nothing? get up. she worked through her sickness in oahu.flip to a scene where i'm with friends in an old appartment, (actually the same appartment i was in when they were in hawaii). i'm sitting in an orange chair and all of a sudden those chemo tablets are in my hands, and i just start taking them, one after the other not one a week or one a day, just pop. pop. pop...
kel whatare you doing?? they get slammed out of my hands and mashed out of my mouth like a dog who's in the process of swallowing poison. big warm now drooly hands trying to tell empty eyes what was wrong with this. the reasoning in my mind was hey, i'm just being preventative here, or hmm..maybe this will bring me closer.
end with a scene that has a fozzy bear look alike with floppy teeth singing that song that goes "hello.....is it mee you're looking for...". he's in the back of a station wagon looking out, the trunk is flipped up, but just the glass, not the whole door. he's got a massive white lily in his hands and he's sad. he's nobly singing his tribute to a loved one, then i see another muppet, this one a panda chowing down on puppet bamboo..they're all singing the same song, it continued with the screen change...i woke up and came here.
the lights are off, my dad just woke up, dax chewed my foot and jumped on me. i'm covered in icky icky dream residue. i just shoved her off. get away from me. everybody.
i have 20 minutes to get out the door.
there must be a solution.
...

TiCKETS TO RiDE

2006-11-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

The star on the top of my christmas list.

A must see for every blood bubble gum drop pop surrealist.
This treasure void of violence was released in six different jackets, the time shifting camel in the night is my immediate favourite.
Adjacent poems are printed carnivale!

Others on the list include If I were a Lion, the classic canadian Alligator Pie and some Baseic eye candy.

batgirl smash

2006-11-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

...don't think i didn't dress up to hand out candy to wobbling two foot tall fat little chickens, chewbaccas, pirates and pink unicorns. a pale painted mr.greg lit the pumpkins and we crouched on the porch with mars bars and the black cat from next door.

Tricia's Wedding

2006-11-06T22:59:00.000-05:00

...October 14 and FAACK was it cold outside to be standing in a receiving line and taking pictures. The maid of honour got stood up and the ring bearer got trashed and abandoned in Kleinburg, but for all the stressing and shoe matching, dress altering, planning, damage controlling and bacheloretting...the wedding was beautiful, we were all in good company and had fun. I feel like i'm tired and writing a book report due tomorrow morning first thing.

a lantern love fest

2006-11-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

...all the night light pictures are blurry so the sunset shots will have to do. Min_o's mom treated us to the chinese lantern festival at ontario place when it was still warm enough for summer shoes but cool enough to need a scarf.

MiN_Oh!

2006-11-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

...i just liked these ones.

lately i feel like petting goats.

2006-09-28T22:19:00.000-04:00

i dunno what it is. little empty eyes and sideways chewing. teeny people teeth and stubborn personalities. an empty knocking when you tap one on the hard hollow head. i want a little one to start eating my sweater and make me laugh. i remember being in highschool, chewing on the sleeves of my uniform sweater out of sheer boredom. the sqeak of cheap wool between my teeth in my memory still makes me cringe. i'd like to be one of those heavy woolen mountain goats, living on the brink of death everyday like its nothing. a natural habitat. i wonder if they realize how easy they make life on the edge look. this one just looks like a star headed reindeer yoda mustache dog. stil, its making me laugh out loud and i wish i could sit with it and have hooven tea. funny thing is, in my head this profound face is only wise to those blind to trickery. he's a goat and he doesn't know shit.

speaking of...greg and i are going to see a show tomorrow at a very small pub in newmarket. our fellow humanitarian, a vegan coffee slinger by the name of dean is performing folk music and i can't wait to hear it. he'll be onstage with his band and his jammin dad. i think they're myspace is under construction. he shared with me some spoken word that was clever and random, senseless sense. his latest read is a book called Humanure. not only is this an incredible act of environmental friendship, its also available in hebrew! his dedication to this is nothing short of inspiring, he's got it all planned out. the land, the commune, the system integration, the funding, the education...we should all be so lucky to grow such meaning out of lifes unending shit. like mushrooms. or something.

2006-09-14T18:26:00.000-04:00

right this very moment i'm wondering if there is anything that i'm just naturally good at. anything that just feels like home. or anyone for that matter.
i would take my keys, start my car and drive right now. the weather is perfect. its cool and almost rainy. i don't even need music. just to drive farther and farther with no direction. in fact that would be the point. the more lost i get, the more i know i'm going the right way. my eyes will shut on the side of the road and open to anything. will i wish i had someone with me to share the roads or calm me down when remorse sets in? (that is assuming my cells at one point do start to panic at any random momory of being lost.) right now i don't even care. i'll have people to tell when i get back. thats what its really about isn't it..a story?

i miss impulse. feeling nomadic, planning to be up/down/over/away for a week at a time is only stressful. still calculating. i'd like to know that when i hit water i can go around or just learn to swim. don't fret for your latte. tell me travel stories. i don't understand how its at all possible to be working, social, go go going and still feel so obnoxiously stagnant.
let the beastie stare. i haven't been listening.

Racing Existential

2006-09-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

if i had a wish
i'd wish i were
a fast moving car
so fast -a blur

i'd enter a race
with the name "Black as Sin"
with one goal in mind
and that would be to WIN

all of the fans
on their feet in the stands
cheering for me
like a huge symphony

with a cool demeaner
i'd weave and i'd swerve
while the other race cars
would slowly lose nerve

the white flag would fly
as i came passing by
a sign that would be
the final lap for me

one more to go!
so let's put on a show
for the wonderful fans in the crowd!
wait, i'm hearing a voice
but can't make that choice
to ask it to calm or be LOUD

coming around the final turn
i decide to ignore all the chatter
when to my surprise what i see with my eyes
is something most folks couldn't gather

in less than a moment the decision is made
not to slow down but keep going
the track ahead of me begins to fade
but i relentlesly press on without knowing

i've entered a hole
and imagine the size
is something not worthy a guess
the feeling is cold
too dark for the eyes
and something else, i must confess

it seems that in here there's no reason or rhyme
no sense of balance and no sense of time
where rhyming schemes and self-context
are not important and allowed to flex

this is where, and when i wrote
this little poem with attached side note:

please be kind and enjoy this story
of me as a race car, driving to glory!
i don't expect much thanks or praise
only a simple toast with glasses raised

"To the car once known as 'Black as Sin'
and the boy who made that wish
to become a race car, race and win
instead of becoming a fish."

-a guest headscape.

DAX

2006-09-04T20:40:00.000-04:00

...my sister brought home a puppy.

...what lion?

2006-08-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

hola.
i've rearranged my room for the eight hundredth time, changing things i have control over rather than the ones i don't. its a sick psychle. now it looks like pickle. i've managed to move most of the clutter (aka my stuff) into a)taped shoe boxes and b) a little closet in the basement. at least most of it is in one place. i'm good with that. i'm getting used to the new job and i've just noticed that my keyboard is super dusty. yuck.
i was looking at the local thrift store for a little bookcase or something, instead i found a cute little dress for hollie. it has all your basic primary colours, and fuschia. what would a dress be like without that? the fabric is little squares of cute outlined safari animals, an elephant, a tiger...lots of hearts and some trees. it has two front pockets and ties in the back. kids are fun. fun like yellow lion backpacks with bright green straps and granola bars inside. what was that comic with the giraffe and the elephant, and the music notes....it was so great.
ciao.

2006-08-14T22:59:00.000-04:00

When I never have a cat, I'll make sure it has one of these.

Today I wore these.

Tonight I would like this.

and this.

a little of this.

and this in a continuous clay rythym of silent stop imagi-motion.

...and now i'm hearing this.

Feeling This.

2006-08-11T21:33:00.000-04:00

My grandmother has outlived four of her five children.

We burried the last of four daughters today. The mass was traditional and sad. Not at all what a memorial should be. This passing, unlike previous passings in my chronologically condensed history of it all, was jarring news. Secrecy was sworn and cancer concealed. The gravity of this falls hard on my pillow when sleep persists.

My aunt fought long enough to meet her first grandson. I have a new cousin. He bit his 5 week old thumb at me.

Hollie asked for one of many small beaded bracelets I had on today, a good way to keep her occupied at the church. On the way out I turned around to see her and the friend she calls Greggie crouched across from each other in the double doorway. Little hands and big hands picking up a plethora of tiny white beads from the floor. My heart hugged me a little and I exhaled. I captured the image in my head before I walked over to help. A broken bracelet is nothing. Helping hands when the beads fall where they may means everything. Good deeds smile vicariously.

The new job is a colourful stepping stone of dedicated distraction.

Happy Birthd-eh Canada

2006-07-03T11:17:00.000-04:00

Last day of the long weekend and for having nothing planned, its taken shape nicely. I'm all for fireworks, but I don't think geography should have a birthday. It feels untrue. We should celebrate Name Days, like they do in Russia. Personally I'd feel ripped off to be celebrating a name-day and not my birthday, but I'm not a rock. Either way, we're lucky to live here. She really is beautiful, and thats what its all aboot.

These are pictures I took on a road trip from Edmonton to Vancouver Island. The reflections in the mountain water are as clear as the signs you see along the way, the sunsets are as stunning and I haven't been in awe of a burnt orange sky since.

Viewer Discretion

2006-06-15T10:26:00.000-04:00

this is my favourite plant. it started out in a plastic pot that fit in my palm. it told me to find the brightest shiniest turquoise pot for it to live in, and its been growing like crazy ever since. i call it egyptian plant and let it drape where it wants. i imagine it leafing over a small wall mural of one sided people painted on papyrus, appearing ancient but modern with lapis and refreshing bright whites...a fridge and finger paints work too.

Thanks to miss min, I've been working with a crazy designer for the last two days. This guy is a fashion designer, interior decorator and is in the process of gutting his house renovating. My mission has been driving around downtown toronto. chauffeur, happy delivery girl who MUST practice parking in the heart of downtown, avid listener, home depot expert and fellow starbucks connoisseur (he's a frappuccino guy.) it's been interesting but stressful! which leads me to the first post this morning.
I think my body is rejecting its downtown core. while i was on-sight with our happy designer, my eye decides to go gooey on me. by the time i got it checked out it was swollen shut and i was driving home to newmarket with half blurred vision. no good at all. my brother volunteered to drive me to pick up antibiotics-only to sharpen his not so quick wit making jokes for half an hour...out of love, he says. SIGH. I'll take tough love over no love anyday. This is hideous and mildly uncomfortable. and my eyebrow? yeah...permanently raised *as a result of* this swelling. wtf. this is just ridiculous.
HEeeeyyYYYy Yooouu GUuuYYys!

Goonies Never Say Die.

2006-06-15T09:51:00.000-04:00

IV

2006-06-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

ipods to richard d. james lets sit on the floor toe sipping. shannon liked his toes across the floor. the boots mazzy star kicks her tootsies in are high heeled and they're shinin' bright. lay back and lick those little piggies all the way to what you call home. superstars in your own private movie. walk the walk. and when you feel a rock in your shoe, roll it around so you can use it to your advantage. Yeah, I don't get it any more than you do. It's like yoga to a 4 year old. sans-sucky asana.

Queen Alice

2006-06-01T23:52:00.000-04:00

"Well this IS grand!" said Alice. "I never expected I should be a Queen so soon-and I'll tell you what is, your Majesty," she went on in a severe tone, "it'll never do for you to be lolling about on the grass like that! Queens have to be dignified you know."
So she got up and walked about-rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with the thought that there was nobody to see her, "and if I really am a Queen" she said as she sat down again, "I shall be able to manage it quite well in time."

I knew it had been a while since I entered the garden but I didn't think it had been this long. I remember wanting to write but then feeling overwhelmed by things to catch you all up with. I figured when I was ready the urge would make itself present, like it does with everything in life. You know public speaking isn't scary if you WANT to get your message across. I don't blog everyday. I blog when I feel like it. Sometimes that takes a while. I am fully prepared to defend myself against assuming minds, not that I should have to.

The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked. The person who came up with that created the stupid question by asking too many stupid questions and is now scarred, left defending himself with that stupid statement...and possible a ball of cat hair for fun. or perhaps rolling things is a compulsion. we all have our vices. mine change alot. i stopped keeping track. i stopped feeling bad. i accept this shel silverstien runny babbit backwards way of life. More of us should be about putting on this drooly scary face and remembering to stretch before funny walking around in monty python prose (especially if its from your bedroom to the coffee maker first thing in the morning), tying flowers to our heads to make ourselves attractive when thats really not what its all about...and when we've rounded out from enough flipping and flopping, oh we'll roll. we're missing compliments not peices. half the fun is finding those things that are hidden for us. i like that we have to work for it.takes a special person to sacrifice ego for everyday life. for someone who doesnt mean anything to you vs. someone who does. you think the giving tree had fun saying no no boy, please..cut me. saw me down in all my apple giving greatness to make a stump for your 109 year old carcASS to sit on? talk about in with the love. uuuh..we have a question in the front row? its a good example of stupid if you ask me. attempt to rationalize with newton the effects of gravity on the apple of your eye and where exactly the term originated from, sit on the ground and be happy that tree is keeping the last of our atmosphere breathable.Right now i'm working hard to relax. it sounds ridiculous but its true. normally i'd be wasting so much energy really freaking out about the future. I know it will work out. I know i'm using resources that are out here. with amazing support from my friends, this time has been productive and really positive. Spending time in different places is something I've really enjoyed. I've learned, you see. I have the luxury of having my family here, a chance to do things right and not rush anything. I have reality check points that make my head say 'don't worry caca, you'll be working and then you'll wish you'd done this differently.' suddenly the summer will be over and fall will offer the smell of pencil shavings, worms and acrylic paint.

While Alice moves herself under skies, my nomadic self will keep adjusting and packing her bag. Once upon a time i could cram ten days of stuff (and i do mean stuff) into one backpack. I've graduated to oversized diaper bags. no zippers. It's not only the boy I enjoy spending time with up north, its a new place with different people to draw from. I have time now that I won't have later to gain an understanding-and I realize not everything needs to be understood. Things will change and as they do, who knows where I'll be and who will be there? Letting go is becoming easier. It still has its powerful shifty side effects, but thats part of the unbreakable beauty.
I'll tell datura to mind her garden. Thanks for being here you guys.

corn water, corn water, mitten noodle soup

2006-04-03T11:48:00.000-04:00

"Objects have their own passive lives which they've soaked up from the situations they've been in," says Svankmajer. "All that remains is to find the key that will make them talk."

blackened ink
an Alice drink
a statement here
is on the brink.
of tragedy and rabbitry
AbSuRdiTY
how DO you think
OH whats the key
sweet chickapea
insanity leads numbingly?
oh woe is me, a hamster tree
what IS this pocket watch.

breathing baby scream aloud
repentant swine OFF with this shroud.
you wobble
down a winding
case, of stairs your
mind fights to erase...
is spirit breaking with the plates?
this puppetry
ludicrously
is stitching me
to Mad.

delightfully and absolutely,
deafening and striking mutely
dreamy strings hold nothing here,
extremeties grow tired.
it waits for you to fall severly,
slain; to darkened eyes is merely
mutilation captivated,
seeking answers all inspired.

so when you come alive again
please share your sawdust with a FRiEND
run clear of bones, don't make ammends
you are the key
unwillingly
insatiably,
the end.

"Consequently, collapsing clay heads and stray eyeballs figure prominently."

Still Life...

2006-02-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

"If you need to visualize the soul, think of it as a cross between a wolf howl, a photon, and a dribble of dark molasses. But what it really is, as near as I can tell, is a packet of information. It's a program, a piece of hyperspatial software designed explicitly to interface with the Mystery. Not a mystery, mind you, the Mystery. The one that can never be solved. Data in our psychic program is often nonlinear, nonhierarchical, archaic, alive, and teeming with paradox. Simply booting up is a challenge, if not for no other reason than that most of us find acknowledging the unknowable and monitoring its intrusions upon the familiar and mundane more than a little embarrassing. More immediately, by waxing soulful you will have granted yourself the possibility of ecstatic participation in what the ancients considered a divinely animated universe. And on a day to day basis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that."

Tom Robbins

hug your Mom,
K.

MAd WoRLD

2006-02-13T22:13:00.000-05:00

THe CoOL KiDS, tHE CaKE...ANd a LiTTLe SoMEtHiNG DoNniE dArKo.

iNdeED A DELiCiOUsLy DeLiGHtFuL BiRThDaY To THe VeRy EnD...

rocket queens and jelly beans

2006-02-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

abandoned, then abused.
dear blog:

new day, fresh perspective.
sorry about the mindless self indulgence.
sometimes a girls just gotta get that stuff out.

art and _itchcraft
dear BFF:

I'm coming to see you on friday.
we'll pick you up from class on saturday, relax, round up some guy and decorate for MiXEd FeSTiViTiES at sad bastards' house...
so get your homework done Wench!
i miss you!

i also miss axl.

F*CK the FOCUS

2006-02-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

"...not under the table, not behind the rack of rugs, not exploded in the microwave...more like flushed down the gleaming porcelain object marked "not in this lifetime sweetheart". fluushshssssshhhhsshh...swish gurlge swirl."

Last thursday i lost my job and looking back, that is how i felt about it. today after a 7 hour round trip to take my dog to a new home in kingston, that feeling came back again.

Ya know, at least when we gave up my Mom, we didn't have a choice.
I know we all have lessons to learn in this life, but who the fuck hands out the assignments. Or maybe, my soul just has an evil dead sense of humour and signed up for this thrilling ride itself before launching into people skin for a front row seat to growing up Kel. Screw that. Someone tell that guy its standing room only and toss that monkey muther f*cker against the bars until he BEGS to see the light. steel toes won't help you now you ethereal assh*le.
"take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys?"
arrgh.

As if this insanity isn't questionable enough, in my slight snapping, sean connery doing schwarzenegger impressions became the voice of reason in my head for part of the drive home.
Who's the loozsher now?...lanshelot. I trushted you...eeyaargghheraaRARggheaRRGhHh...
I won't mention the other parts.

Sometimes you gotta just snap the shots and fuck the focus.

True say princess, true say.

Feed your cereal addictions kiddies,
pawless kaw.

Messages from Water

2006-02-06T17:36:00.000-05:00

It's been a very productive day.
For me and Winter.
Snow has been falling ALL DAY.
It's beautiful, but it makes me think of this.

Next time you curse the hefty mounds of thought retaining energy sucking icey crystal sponges covering your car, house, steps, weighing down trees, slipping you, tripping you, making your mittens all wet and your face soo cooold, remember, they have feelings too...and those feelings affect us.

All snow, No jive.
(as long as i don't have to drive.)

The Four Agreements: A Black Apron Article

2006-02-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

Inspired by a six foot four wingspan and a glimpse inside the world of a thousand macchiatos...

Proportion, Grind, Water and Freshness.
Understand and follow the guidelines for each of them, and you're on your way to brewing a great cup of coffee every time.

Proportion
Use the right proportion of coffee to water. This is the most important step in making great coffee. For the most flavorful cup of coffee, Starbucks recommends using two tablespoons of ground coffee (10 grams) for each six fluid ounces (180 milliliters) of water. If coffee brewed this way is too strong for your taste, you can add a little hot water to your cup of brewed coffee.

Grind
The shorter the brewing process, the finer the grind. Different brewing methods have different grind requirements, so grind your coffee for the brewing method you use. The amount of time the coffee and water spend together affects the flavor elements that end up in your cup of coffee, and the design of your coffee maker dictates how long the coffee and water sit in direct contact during the brewing process. For instance, coffee ground for an espresso machine should be very fine, in part because the brew cycle is only 19 to 22 seconds long. But for a coffee press, the coffee should be coarse ground, because the water and coffee are in direct contact for about four minutes.

Water
Use fresh, cold water heated to just off the boil. A cup of coffee is 98 percent water. Therefore, the water you use to make coffee should taste clean, fresh, and free of impurities. Water heated to just off a boil (195° to 205° F or 90° to 96° C) is perfect for extracting the coffee's full range of flavors. Any cooler and the water can't adequately do the job. Automatic coffee makers heat the water for you. Make sure the one you use gets the water hot enough.

Freshness
Use freshly ground coffee. Think of coffee as fresh produce. The enemies of coffee are oxygen, light, heat, and moisture. To keep coffee fresh, store it in an opaque, airtight container at room temperature. Storing coffee in the refrigerator or freezer for daily use can damage the coffee as warm, moist air condenses to the beans whenever the container is opened. Whole bean coffee stays fresh longer because there is less surface area exposed to oxygen. For the best results, coffee should be ground just before brewing and used or stored immediately.
I should mention that this was previously written and most likely copy written to be posted by Starbucks, not me. rules rules rules.

Come on connoisseurs, you're all well versed. common sense or convtroversy? corporate cannibalism or convenience? effective advertising or adversity? take the bait...take it.

Absentia Datura

2006-02-03T18:46:00.000-05:00

For those who know that time does not exist
flow faster, for you are light in all senses of the word.

heart on fire tongue ablaze
crucified; your crosses, raise.

rumi chopra jesus christ
prince of egypt desert heist

burn the sheep and bushes, herd
seek the child who speaks the Word

angels fallen at the gate
blackened feathers, laughing fate

auras' spirit, virgin blue
glowing soft the mothers' hue.

Of cabbages and things...

2006-01-31T22:56:00.000-05:00

nce upon a time there was a girl who went to yoga class for the first time in almost a year. egoless and outgoing for her, she kept up with the class for an hour and a half and found herself in instructor-assisted-headstand-asana before an ending of OM-ing thrice.
...and on that note, don't be fooled. Three is the magic number. I have two more short stories for you. Dreams I had last night to be precise. They formed an email to a friend today and i thought they should find a space here in a similar format.

Enter a dark house, i'm already walking up an ornate dark walnut staircase. this place looks like a church. why is my dad staying here?this is really creepy. everything is covered in dust. really really thick layers of dust...looking closer, it wasn't dust. it was like dried leaves, deteriorated to look like the bones of a baby bird, with an almost sheer skin attatched to the crunchy remains. mmmm organic.
so yeah, all this dust, this frail bees nest of webby weirdness...i could poke it, but if i pressed to hard it would crack. and i definitely didn't want to do that because trapped between the layers of wall and nest, there were big beetles. flat like beetles, dusty and black and brown like the rest of the house. i assumed they were all just shells of once living things, the house had been deserted forever. but no. they started moving with nowhere to go. my stomach turned and i looked around only the see that the whole top floor of this creeky house might as well have been composed completely of beetles and the translucent layer dried leaves keeping them from separate from me. the sound of a thousand ancient creepy beetle bugs in your dreams is enough to make you cringe in your sleep. its like they were activated by my presence...so gross. i'm just glad my brain kept it a dry gross and left the giger queen space drool out of it.
i find my dad sleeping on what looks like a box instead of a bed with an antique pink blanket on it, surrounded by all of this. sleeping! i whispered dad, get up what are you doing here..i'm trying to wake him...dad, get up, this housed is disgusting and severly omenous, we have to go...he speaks to me in Coraline, button eyes glaring. they draw me in to say without words that this is a most natural place...he wasn't leaving. but i sure was. i couldn't look out the top floor window, it was so dirty... i remember every shadow clearly, even the smell of the musty floor boards, the dust particles in the air. Really makes me think that moving all that energy around in class just unearthed a part of my brain that probably looks like the top floor of the beetle house.
beetleguise
beetleguise
beetleguise.

in the second dream (and final story) i was with people from work, at their house in florida. as the day droned on, i went wandering the house alone. down a long hall and up three floors i found a friend of mine who has since disappeared from the face of the earth...artists are hard to pin down sometimes.
he had a girlfriend with him, renting part of this house in florida. wow what a coincidence. wow what a reunion. wait, i hear this girl screaming from the room. so i run in to find an open closet, and a corpse on the floor. our screamer is paralized in the corner of the room. her body is still, but her eyes are trembling. our closet monster is very nearly mummified, sunken black eyes, she is wearing a patchwork dress, the cotton has held up astonishingly better than her leathery flesh. whats left of her grey hair is matted to her skull, she had tight curls at one point in her life. her mouth is shrivelled and open. there are no teeth.
her hands are clutched and i get the feeling she was devastated when she died. how she got into a closet in florida we'll never know, she was clearly misplaced.

the delicate flower who only went to hang her clothes is now completely damaged. as grey as the patchwork mistress on the floor she will most likely be scarred for life if she ever comes blinking back to it. at this point in my waking mind, i looked at William and said You HAD to pick a sensitive girl huh...and how are you going to take care of her now? she'll be insane, we'll have to commit her. what will her parents say? i started yelling at him for assuming he could be with a "normal" girl knowing full well that these underwordly circumstances seem to follow people like us around. i was so angry at him for being so careless, not taking her energy, her mind into consideration. she is not prepared nor is she meant to see such things! i lectured him about knowing his path in this life and taking responsibility for it.

This only made me think, i really should track this friend of mine down. i have his parents number, i bet he's there hanging out in the cemetery in his backyard. typical poetic soul. i was saying, sometimes you just have to roll your eyes (and let them lecture themselves.)
...
crawling out of bed i wondered, how doth the little crocodile start a day after waking up with all of this? i'm not sure how you like you're coffee, but i chalk it up to some sort of release, grab a chai latte with cinnamon on top (its the sweet taste of anti-evil, not to be confused with auntie-evil) and listen to Slowdive on my way to work.

cheers boys and girls.

Blatent Blog aBandonment

2006-01-28T14:33:00.000-05:00

i saw a big horse today.
clop clop clop
a light brown and white spotted horse.
being walked...very slowly.
clop...clop...clop
by a man in black rain boots, a worn sagey green canvas jacket, and a matching knit hat. no stripes.
this farming archetype no younger than 60, with a weathered face. the horse i'm not sure.
funny thing is, i was driving. with coffee. on my way to work. did i just see that?
yes, yes i did. on Lawrence Avenue, just past Dufferin.
(a substantially busy area for those of you out of town)
trotting past a gas station, a busy intersection, an elementary school, and almost a walmart.
clop. stop... clop.

guys...
a horse. out for a walk. and not sauntering down the road majestically either like the police you see on horses in canada. this one was on the sidewalk. like a dusty kid riding a bike with training wheels. of course i saw our friend in a feather head dress instead of a helmet, and the man was painted clown. one of those old school sad faces...it was perfect.
brilliant if you ask me. and even if you don't, i tend to think out loud.
clop clop clop.
íts nice to be back.

Rabbit and the Snow

2005-11-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

let it snow
let it snow
let it snow

this is the first calm falling of fat frozen flakes of the season. the drive in to work was clear and for once the radio wasn't radio friendly. It was acoustic.
I sat in the car today, parked at the side of the building i work in and listened to Bono and his guitar sing Stay, live in toronto with a vibrant crowd. Appreciating the fact that the coffee i picked up on the way in was still hot, it was nice to have some reflecting time before working on a saturday. I thought of my family (who is re-visiting arizona for american thanksgiving, missing this snow right now. I hope you geeks check this out and the blowdrying heat treats you well.) i thought of my friends and the people we're all going to turn out to be. happy visiting, happy job advancing, happy party planning, happy baby watching, wedding planning, shoe shopping, car buying, show going, line dancing, dog walking, cake baking...
Happy whatever your doing today, treat yourself.

oh, and

~HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIKER DUDE PAPA JOE~
don't go riding in the snow

2005-11-25T12:34:00.000-05:00

2005-11-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

Riddle me this.
Why do designers think they can pull off one peice black spandex mini dresses with hot pink vinyl circle halves accenting boney legs and knee high boots. I saw one yesterday with shiney black penny loafers and black and white stripey socks. and a bright red jacket. an older woman came in today in tiger pants..roooOOoowrr...they looked like those leather hide rugs. only pants. her hair was so shiney. i remember thinking wow, this woman is like 87 and she has a full head of the shiniest, natural ash blonde seeming hair i've ever seen. its so weird when you think someone is maybe 35 from behind, and twice that when they turn to greet you with barely a smile.

a new girl started today, she worked next door at the furniture store, got married, took some time off, wanted to work here, badda boom she knows the people badda bing she's here today. her name is MiMi and i can practice cantonese with her. today our stunning polish accountant margaret said than kyou to me in cantonese, polish accent cantonese. languages are fun. where are the russians?
zaftra no robotu, za hibize...

its 5pm, its been snowing, it looks windy. my phone is charging and the real versions of songs from the moulin rouge soundtrack are on the radio right now.

2005-11-19T17:10:00.000-05:00

so the world goes round and round with all you ever knew,
They say the sky, high above is Caribbean blue.

If every man says all he can,if every man is true,
do I believe the sky above is Caribbean blue.

If all you told was turned to gold,if all you dreamed were new,
imagine sky, high above in Caribbean blue.

BSOD

2005-11-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

I've been assigned a task. INVOICES. White copies alphabetical, Yellow copies numerical, Pink copies to sales people, Goldenrod to installers, customers are gifted with Puse. Puse? Puse.

I have compressed myself into a little green ball with arms, legs and one eye.

If that doesn't sound wondrous enough, the computer system used to enter said invoices was developed in the days of commodore, seemingly before they invented the mouse. there is no Click, there is no Close. Only a medieval army of tab, tab, enter, enter, F8 doth exist. They live in the land that DOS built. I kid you not.*

*See above image.

Why don't we just bleed our paper work you ask? Because we'd like to imagine a Monty Python skit instead. Come back and fight! My dignity is outdated, but I can crash three times in 5 minutes running windows 98 AND I carry the blinking cursor of chaos! *blink* *blink* *blink*

I have been spoiled, surrounded by 'the technological know'. I had no concept. The radio was unplugged this morning. You have to 'reach around' to plug it in. I said we tried to 'get it on' this morning by accident. Nothing. At least I know I can still entertain myself. Where for art thou oh fellow tainted minds? I miss you.

I miss the MAC. I miss the bad jokes. I miss the music. I miss the pornographies!

2005-11-12T09:58:00.000-05:00

take in your coffee, swirl your leaves of jasmine green, its saturday morning everyone.

I started mine getting up for work, traffic is non existant on a saturday morning before 8. Cup holder full, i rockabilly'd with The Cramps all the way in to the city. This day will be better than yesterday, and it started last nite.

I walked into the house after a day of constant battles and heavy traffic to a smell of something warm and cozy cooking. mmmMMmmMMMmm....
Ken had the day off, so he decided to cook. and bake. and clean.
Jazz music in the background, he greets me at the door on his way to check the roast in the oven. Cranberry pork roast. are you serious? Yep, let me heat up the gravy. Gravy is in a pot on the stove ready and waiting, cloves and all...baby potatoes and brocolli done. It was amazing....at least one of us can cook. (He says its like math, you just have to follow the formula, follow the rules...thats harder for some people :P) so of course, whats a christmas-like dinner without dessert. I should have known there would be a home made cheesecake chilling in the fridge. of course there is.

with a tribute to remembrance day, we watched bruce willis in Tears of the Sun and had dessert in the living room. I swear, sometimes I wonder how i have the right to complain about anything, ever...except for the fact that i forgot the left overs for lunch on the kitchen table.
*sigh*

Tomorrow is my day off. Inspired by this crazy dinner, I will attempt to create some thing good for dinner. Cook something new today, all of you. Just try!

ha, i also found a new book on the coffee table. its called getting things done. it has this guy in a business suit on the cover, and big bold blue writing. In the first three pages it compares your thoughts to RAM and i started laughing out loud. not only at the fact that this was a computer based self motivation/strategy of life guide, but at the fact that right next to it on the table is the Introduction to Ken Wilbur. if any of you are familiar with that you will note the irony. or the balance. you decide. either way i wanted to make a coffee table collage with my tria markers and sketchbook, cd's on the sidetable and some grape licorice strings.

have a wonderful day dahlings,
caca carpet seller

2005-11-11T17:40:00.000-05:00

dogding arrows
slinging true
train of thought
kerchunking through

fade in
fuzz out
shake the walking stick about

conscious spirit
water flow
blinking eyes
get up and go
catching arrows
talents new
piercing strengths
supporting you

Milkyway Mudders

2005-11-10T13:22:00.000-05:00

I remember a time of reciting one book out loud as many bedtimes as i could. Last night i read it again, with some help turning the pages. There's just something cozy about pink pajamas and feet taffy blue. your own voice grounding familar words, making you sleepy.

I watched this dumb episode of law and order with ken and tom before ï went to bed... early. after an episode of csi, tv just got too...yucky. i found my forhead knotted, and my breath held in my stomach without realizing. maybe i'm just sensitive to drama. ha. law and order was about this woman who stole a baby from a young teen mother who was found murdered. this was her second attempt at baby theiving. since i left early i didn't get to see the mystery solved but i don't care. people suck. either way i was completely disturbed by the scene in which this woman gets caught with the 5 day old baby she kidnapped. her husband, of course, is away all the time working over seas...turns out she had miscarried at 7 months and was traumetized, never said anything, the husband had come home to think this baby was theirs. The police take the baby and arrest her, the husband has no clue whats going on, and this woman is just going nuts. it was this horrible horrible scene of empty despair, powerful movements of distraught hands and faces. depressed and crazy at her childlessness, our kidnapper only thought to give this child a better life. whats really crazy is that something in me obviously identified with her and her lack of little one because it really upset me. Of course at some point i want kids, the legacy of something, little personalities to mess with, teach them to heal the world and how things grow. It will be interesting to see what little soul needs to learn some bazzare lessons this lifetime. My mind started knitting and internal dialogue took over. it sparked this careful ticking that everyone talks about, i'll be 27 soon and i don't want to be one of these 35 year old moms with a two year old. i mean how much time do we really have? take that, mix it with an incredibly thunderous rainy day, 3 parts "all my friends have one", add warm water and glaze it with i want my mommy and its a good thing you've got the bach rescue rememdy bedside table. no baking required. I think the point is, this is exactly why i don't watch a lot of tv. oi. i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, my body allows me only to take alcohol in thimbles at a time, and now its telling me i'm too sensitive to watch tv. I need to get out more. lets get it together auntie, its ok to nurture instincts. in another time i would have 5 kids by now. Had I been barren, i'd be cast out for being a witch.
moving on, i can't wait to dress my kids like tribal rugs and see if it scars them for life. If anything it will spark the creativity gene, give them something to love or hate. either way, I'll be laughing.

It was my brothers birthday yesterday, so to celebrate he went to see Coheed and Cambria. I haven't heard the show review from him yet, and the only thing i can see him having an issue with is the fact that it went from a more intimate show setting to the Docks. apparently these guys are in high demand in the T dot, so they sold an extra block of tickets and went bigger. hopefully no one got beats from the boomstick.

2005-10-21T17:41:00.000-04:00

re dreams really a direct result of your environment? i was going to type more here yesterday, but i never got around to it. then i thought i would just leave it. but that was yesterday too. now i think i'll pick it up again. this clump of grey matter is sleepy. dreams are keeping it awake again.
I had a really intersting ping pong conversation about dreams with my dear watson in the car on the way to work last week. i wondered what came first. he is convinced that dreams are a direct result of your outside environment. what about the inside, is there a difference? what about prophecy and such. thats more like baseball than ping pong. are dream ideas original visions sent from distant points? does the brain take that information and use our own life experience to decipher these muddled messages? i wonder what the same message, same dream, would look like based on my life if i grew up in nigeria. probably just more goats. baaa...

Traditionalesque

2005-10-20T16:44:00.000-04:00

HeY GUyS!!
super quick post, I'm at work, day 4 and going great.
I went on my first In Home Consultation today. What a great way to see the million dollar townhomes hidden in the city...holy..I sat in the back of a delivery van on a bunch of rolled up hand knotted wool area rugs in my nine west heels and saphire velvet jacket. nice. other than that i've been getting aquainted with silks, wools, chobby, traditional, transitional, contemporary, vegetable dyes, washed out, obussan and on and on.
each rug is tells a different story, its incredible art that reveals incredible history...its gets confusing when you see an Iranian tribal patterned rug made by people in egypt, now making it an authentic egyptian rug. wait a minute... anyway, so far so good!

2005-10-14T09:26:00.000-04:00

...last day with the pornographies, the brick walls, the bars on the windows. I'm so ready for this.

9:00am
"It's your last day doll...ready?"
A somewhat supportive sui hon drops me off at the front door. Lakeshore no more, it will be a new route from now on. And I'll drive. When I met Ken here I thought for sure I had him pegged. I have never been so wrong. From thai fighting to ice shoes, disney songs to a love for baking, the surprises are still endless. He was my first Happy Birthday office song. I remember having to ask what his name was while i carried the cake to his desk, prepared to sing. (we used to do cake for our employees on their birthdays.) The first time I really talked to him I was doing some work in the graphics department at the computer beside him. Tasked to crop some pictures, I asked him an honest work related question. We won't go there.
Ha. Who knew?

10:00am
The vibe is calm, i'm excited about change, trying not to let nostalgia creep its way in. at least not yet. I cleared out my desk yesterday, all i have to do is pick up the plant on my desk and walk out of here at the end of the day. Good. Focus.

10:18am
Well, the end of the day is still hours away, and a woman I work with just brought me flowers. I talk to Reesa alot about 'growing up'. I kid you not, she's been a "motherly" influence since i started working here, always making sure I've eaten and asking me how I'm doing, how's ken, do i need to talk. Reesa's great. She gave me a big friendly hug and kissed me on the top of the head and wished me the best. Then said "that's all i'm gonna say, don't worry!"

The battle begins.
Nostalgia - 0
Me - 1

10:48am
A trip to the kitchen to find a vase for these massive happy sunflowers, and heat up my coffee. I trade space with someones pasta. It's Patricks. Patrick (graduated from the customer service realm) has a cool space age rocket science background, an interest in anime, and told me once about the chemical breakdown of the blue hair dye. It was blended so well into the conversation, I almost didn't notice. You just never know about people.
"Isn't it your last day?"

Nostalgia - zip
Me - 2

that went well, but the flowers are falling over.

11:45am
Liberty calling, Tricia and I go for a walk. She wants the "good" coffee. I don't blame her, if fact I encourage it. May the libery cafe and her legacy continue. While QATrish organizes her coffee, I absentmindedly colour co-ordinated the special tea packages in the basket on the counter. I didn't look around. I noted the hollow sound the wooden steps made on the way out. I didn't even say goodbye to the owner. How sad.

Nostalgia - 1
Me - 2

2:46pm
HAhAHA.
So, you're working with carpets. The jokes surrounding the Shag section are already getting tired. Better get'em in you got 2 hours left. I just had the best pumpkin pie I've ever had. After all, 'tis the season. the texture was perfect, the crust was rich and not too flaky, but no whipped stuff on the top...yeah i won't be saying that out loud around here. We just got back from lunch at the Academy of Spherical arts. A very nice send off from the QA department...and Rob. Thank you rob. :)
The buffet was great, but the desert was way better. They had caramel apple cheesecake too.
A card that went around the office was placed on the table for me. After seeing the all the script on the inside i decided to read it later. Perhaps i should stop keeping score and let nostalgia be. or maybe, i'm avoiding it until i have some time to enjoy it. OR maybe i should spoon feed myself some more psychological cheesecake and get back to work.

Right now Aaron is standing across from me. He stares alot, with a big smile. sorta creepy. He has wound up some chattering teeth and is pointing them at me, still smiling...and staring. He'd make a pretty decent mime if he liked people.
I am imagining what would happen if you put the set of chatter teeth in your mouth while they were chattering?
Lets see if he'll do it...

4:41pm
*SIGH*
Paper work? done. Exit interview? why sure i'll tell you how i really feel...

To everyone who signed the card, shook hands, hugged, emailed, blogged, instant messaged or spontaneously picked up their cell phone to wish me luck,

..THaNk YoU..

(For giving Nostalgia some serious bonus points.)
You guys are awesome. aaww crap...

Nostalgia - 3
Me - 2

5:02pm
Email deleted. I've been weeding through it all week.
Any extra files. bi-bi. sticky notes - garbage.
I have two folders of pictures and no blank cd.
WOOPS. everyone is gone too. oh well. let it go. let it go...

Nostalgia -3
Me- 3

well, its balanced...I'm ok with that.
Ok kids, this is it!
Thanks for being part of this, stay tuned.

May all your rasperries swirl!

~I'M OUT!!!

choose life, choose a job, choose homework

2005-10-13T11:11:00.000-04:00

Are you afraid of rain?
No.
Okay, lets go.

Our way home from the mall involved revolving out of the Eaton Center, into a cold blowy mist of rain. Wind whining, heads down, a bell tower strikes 9 as we hurry towards Yonge. Laughing at the 'dark and stormy night', we whirl towards the starbucks on King for chai lattes before we catch the street car home. We pass halloween window displays lit up with loud tim burton music filling the street...in the dark, in the rain, hair blowing, bell tower still gonging...I'm glad we walked.

The Project
Welcome to the all singing, all dancing advertising mind of an artist.

Purpose:
1) To complete the assignment.
2) To capture who you are as a collage of "selves", characterizing personal aspects.
3) To drench said "selves" in this life experience like a cold shower.

Hypothesis:
Your guess is as good as mine. The poster tells us so.

Apparatus:
camara, digital, one of.
clothing, various-with accessories.
subject- five aspects of.
photographers-two of.
light source.
itunes.
chinese take out.

Procedure:
First layer on eccentric clothing for character.
Then capture a jasmin-esque interpretation of each of the following characters:

DIANNE
since this was the most difficult and "glamourous" we got this shot out of the way first.jasmine in her flowy 70s print top, hair down and curled in, doe eyes wide with liner, lip gloss popped. gorgeous dahling. now stop flopping forward and what is THAT face...you're supposed to play sexy, not undead. I guess Lou Reed just wasn't doing if for us. in modeling you learn alot about yourself and your posture, especially when you can't see what you're doing. The first shots, by far the most difficult (and funny) , but a little bit of letting go and some I Love Rock and Roll later, min-o had it. Put another dime in the juke box, baby- we ain't done yet.

SICKBOY
Who wants a girl in a short skirt and a loooOOong jacket? na na na na we do.
a white shirt and a striped tie later we were aiming gunshot hands and broody eyes at the camera, working on a bazarre perspective that we actually did ok with...nice work, we're getting the hang of this...

BEGBIE
These shots were my favourite. this is confidence, this is attitude. this is jasmine with a strung out - half clipped - up-do, a sexy zip down fitted knit hoodie in a vintage fall leafy brown to match the smoking spliff resting on soft lips. glared eyes give you the finger as her toussled hair falls across her shoulders. fuckin great. portishead was all over these ones.

SPUD
okay, after that we needed to regroup. BREAK! ryan ordered some food and we let the smoke clear the room. Approaching our two hour time limit, we lay out the leather jacket and tie the hair back. This one was meant to illustrate humour. In a red White Stripes baby tee and goofy red lensed sunglasses, we try to get a natural shot. It takes deleting pictures, and Tom Petty to bring out what naturally makes min-o laugh, not to mention the rest of us. after trying to flail around and release the stiffness of what she refers to as a poser outfit, she just starts busting out these arm swinging torso bending break dancing moves. i almost fell off my photographer platform shoes laughing. i'm surprised the jacket didn't bust at the seams with her "uber" cool moves. needless to say, humour was captured. Four down, one to go.

RENTON
Last one. the hardest shot to psychologically prep for, easiest one to take. a soaking wet jasmine is supposed to pose for the camera. a white tank top and cropped cargos inhale into a self inflicted COLD shower to get the full effect. so, of course, while she's being rained on for the second time this evening, the camera is full. fuck. now she's cold, wet AND pissed. perfect! we get the camera set, background set. drag her into the other room for four final shots...and that's a wrap! we're done. its not so hard to give off cold wet and bitter when you're bleedin' cold, wet and bitter, mate.

Conclusion:
I completely admire our sweet min-o for splitting herself into selves and finding her own version of those characters. although it was hilarious, it was humbling, challenging and she still has to present it to her peers. This will be a portfolio piece, once she's done with it and I can't wait to see it!

with perfect timing, ryan returned with chinese food and we sat down to watch a pre recorded sit com about karma, starring jason lee. interesting. also interesting?
we watched a short episode of a series called Rabbits. a david lynch production. maybe min-o will fill you in, if you haven't already heard.

Flipher Overture

2005-10-07T09:36:00.000-04:00

A big cute fat cricket just walked across the folders i have on my desk!
these folders aren't lying flat, they're propped up in a vertical file folder organizer type thing. it looks like my friend is walking a tight rope across the top!
this place really is a circus. now its gone.

hahah! there it is again!
robert is gonna get it!!
don't kill it!
wow, dig this action.

i wonder what crickets mean in the world of animal totems? insect totems. maybe i'm just not freaking out because i'm used to feedinig them to the lizards... actually, now that i think of that, this bug doesn't really resemble a cricket at all. more of a very small plump grasshopper. its meaty. i'm afraid it will jump in my hair. its little buggy feelers are going crazy...i imagine, if it was drumming with those things it would sound pretty good.

meaty little bug
how you've brightened up my day
skies are full of rain.

i win this reign game
sorry but you have to go
have some fun outside!

Agent Orange

2005-09-22T15:51:00.000-04:00

...he's my favourite, yeah

I hung my head and licked my lips to the taste of pumpkin syrup in a spiced latte from starbucks this morning. PuMPkiN. sadly starbucks. i know. can't wait for the winter season to celebrate the Gingerbread Joe.

~HaPPy FiRSt dAY Of FaLL~

cheers you guys!

Franjipani?

2005-09-21T09:40:00.000-04:00

If it is a proven fact that the moon afffects water, the ocean, her tides, then is it safe to say that it affects us as people? I mean being mostly water ourselves how could it not? This is either:
a) just one of my many beliefs
b) a desperate reason to explain a series of unbelievably clumsy actions
c)a reason to blog
d)all or none of the above
There has been some bloggy with-drawal y'all, but no matter how long i'm away, i'm really not that far away. Like min-o i feel like i've got nothing but boring on my mind. I went to the art exhibit in Trinity park on sunday, walked queen and shaw, to university and back, had some chocolate therapy ice cream-ben and jerry's-HIGHLY recommended, but thats a whole other blog. i was with my friend leann over the weekend, we went to a place called Easy for breakfast, and she said, oh kel i took pictures of 'Joe' for you. at that statement, we took some more. I must have mentioned it to her once, offhand i don't even remember, most likely a mumble of sorts. but it was a comforting thought that random shots of java were still being applied. i like it. i haven't figured out how to post a link yet, otherwise this blog would be full of paths to the artists i spoke to on sunday. it felt so good to feel a sense of home with myself again, to feel like a fish out of water, being that 'out of water' is considered a natural aquarian habitat. who wants to be a fish who can't fly anyway?

~WAX.FREE~

The need for new music grows strong. nothing heavy, not main stream-esque, something halfway to chamber music meets african enchanted puppet shows.
I am honestly somewhat indifferent to the fact that Tori composed and perfomed a song specifically for dutch designers Viktor and Rolf's ready to wear fashion show in Paris...but compeletely intriqued by her crimped hair and arm flab at the same time. i love tori. but these guys are creepy little monkeys. Coincidentaly the last time i saw tori was in toronto under a fleshy pink moon who felt so close you'd think she wanted a seat at the show...instead she acted as the only spotlight needed. I danced barefoot (kinda gross) at the back of the amphitheatre in awe of how the others could be surrounded by the same unavoidable energy and sit still! since yin and yang are androgenous it would simply be politically incorrect to apply a comparison.

I fully believe that life without art (and this goes for engineers too) is the dutchess gone pigless...it makes no sense. and that, my dears, is absolute.

Soak it up kids, you sure do got a perrty mouth.

auntie kaw

march of the pigs

2005-09-02T16:49:00.000-04:00

lhong-ahn . wheres khan . sitting spun . heated tongue . fire fall . dear doll . throw bricks . pale tricks . follow bliss . sun kiss . listen long . assimilate this . doesn't it make YOU feel better . the pigs have won tonight . everything will be alright .

The Prashasta Pada

2005-08-11T15:53:00.000-04:00

"After a cycle of universal dissolution, the Supreme Being decides to recreate the cosmos so that we souls can experience worlds of shape and solidity. Very subtle atoms begin to combine, eventually generating a cosmic wind that blows heavier and heavier atoms together. Souls - depending on their karma earned in previous world systems - spontaneously draw to themselves, atoms that coalesce into an appropriate body."

obviously

2005-08-10T14:15:00.000-04:00

DaHLiNG LiTTLe MoNSTeR
WaRNiNG You To PLaY
KiCKiNG BY THe STeeL ToeS
WaNTiNG OuT SHe'LL SWaY

HauNTiNG iS HeR SPeCiaLTY
HeR SPiRiT iS YouR OWN
BY YouR HaND INCReDiBLY
HeR MouTH HaS SiNCe BeeN SeWN.

FoCuS oN THe uNaWaRe'S,
HaS PLaCeD HeR oN iGNoRe
uP aND iN, BeHiND YouR eYeS
SHe THeN ReVeaLS HeR SCoRe

aT FiRST You LiKeLY WiLL NoT See
You'Ve PuT HeR VieWs Too FaR To Be
DiSTRaCTeD By ReaLiTY, YouR MeMoRY
oBLiViouSLY, WHeN WiLL SHe See?

HeR CHoiCE iS FRee, So eaSiLLY.

...MuTHTaRD?!

colour me caca

2005-08-02T10:17:00.000-04:00

Thats fuschia Auntie...
If I remember correctly, our first encounter with this favourite was a delightful pair of rain boots. Keeping in mind that 'slip on' to a two year old 'means push your foot in harder!', these boots walked from the bedroom to the kitchen, from pick me up to put me down, from sidewalk to backyard and in again. If we had let them, they would have sloshed their way into the bathtub, I'm sure. Bright bubble gum on the bottom, infused fuschia goodness everwhere else, these kicks were HOT. Laminated superstar, embossed Barbie, we expanded our vocabulary of colours to include not only red and pink, but the brilliant happy medium called FUSCHIA. In the books as Nana's favourite colour and personally my favourite hair colour, I'm proud to see it resonate with my now three year old neice too! We're also learning Teal and Indigo.

So. Long Weekend. Wide open.
hmmm...what to do, what to do...what do you think Bonzai? uuhhh I dunno Shanzi, how bout we rip up the carpet on the main floor of the house and replace it with that laminate flooring we've been looking at...ED?

Wicked.

After three days its almost done. Since we learned about organizing such a mission from previously doing the floor in the basement, we've got this one under control.
In order to finish the job, we've got to head up to New Market to transfer an electric keyboard to it's new home, The Playroom. For a three year old, it means endless entertainment with a place to plug in headphones! What more could a young working mother and the Grand-Papa-Joe day care ask for?

Smooth sailing leads us straight to a rainbow dress in a yellow helmet, moving her Dora bike out of the driveway, running up for a hug. Lifting this reaching monster, she brings her knees in hoofing me in the stomach with a big smile. Man, she's getting heavy. Before ken and my dad move the music inside, they ch-check out my dad's newly aquired motorcycle. The oldschool BMW induced much shop talk. WwooooooOOooOooowwwwW. Letting them chat, I pick up the sidewalk chalk. The blacktop is begging me to decorate. It whispers me to draw a yellow star and sacral symbol, with a heart on top, all outlined with a pretty blue aura. how nice. I chunk my name on the ground and (oblivious to the fact that they've stopped talking and moved the keyboard) I go inside where 'she who is finally potty trained' is pushing keys and asking everyone to dance. Could YOU say no?

Moving on, I laughed when Hollie said she wants to hold 'my Kens' hand instead of mine across the parking lot towards mmmMMcDonalds. Four chicken McNuggets and ten slammin' aligator happy meal games with 'my Ken' later, we're off to the car and heading back to home renovations and Rona for paint chips!

*Ahem*

After a careFULL analysis in all lighting, we are proud to present Sir Benjamin Moore in Golden Straw. This will be Benjamins premier performance in our home and we are excited to welcome him! As our beauti-faux new cherry audience settles, anticipation rises.

Live, this is PaintGirl, back to you Auntie.

Thanks to the scientific, generalistic, innovative win/win approach to precision craftmanship, cutting floor boards against his knees and and attempting to calculate trigonometry and angles in his head, my sunshine doll and his sharpie marker have the floor looking GrrRREAT! Realistically speaking its amazing what you can do when you really do have all the right tools. Even I was measuring and cutting at a 1:1 ratio. But, alas I prefer to arrange, organize, deligate, snap in, clean up, make lists, and make lunch. What a team we have. Command and Execute. haha.

I should mention that along with our flooring adventures, we managed to also go swimming, attend traditional chinese dinner, install with Aladdin, lay out the next four weekends, shop at home depot, slice and juice watermelon, spend some quality time with eachother,the Djinn and Jesus watching Wes Cravens' Wishmaster and the Passions of Christ, half configure a laptop, visit my dad, replace the dryer vent, do laundry, visit yee ma, prep and roll maki sushi, snap some pictures, and let the puppy make the pee pee outside.

Tonight Ken takes Khan to graduate obedience class! I also have class, carol comes in from hong kong tomorrow-we pick her up at six. class thursday, friday we swim! this weekend is open for finishing up renovations. i have to wait all week to paint! it hurts. Kens parents are in sept.2...the list goes on. roger roger.

Ca Command out.

how was everybody's weekend?

elephants on parade

2005-07-28T12:29:00.000-04:00

OMG i turn around for two days look at you guys! I feel that commenting on previous comments would be way to long to leave in said comments field so i'm just going to write.

mr. frost...what if its a big bellied piggy i'm walking with, will that freak you out too? or perhaps i'll carry a belly as a handbag, one cast of plaster of paris, or paper mache (eh?)...or a big belly made of bubble wrap...now that would be fun. no punching it though..sorry kids. Point is it would benefit you to take things more liberally as opposed to the literal "Just like a woman"...

now min-o, although it IS appropriate to poke fun around here, it is however NOT appropriate to encourage possible death threat scenarios you bitch, and if you do it again i'll...have to thank you for saying such nice things around the bloggidy parts. you're beautiful dahling, you'll have YOUR ten little half chinese retro/goth/pop/artist INDIE kid rockstars, you can all be musical like the partidge family!

sing ca kettes and oubliettes, a frog hops striped and green.
of marionettes and scary-onettes, both anxious to be seen.
you never know what they will be,
they hide their purpose cleverly,
oh sing ca kettes and marrionettes, and scrub your elephants clean.

from here on in, you're all on parade.

Nayana

2005-07-26T12:09:00.000-04:00

ok, consider this a productive alternative to downtime.
I've been working on my resume, due updated for a class i'm taking. i didn't realize just how much i let the professional jargon slip from my mind.its crazy, i've been trying to get it in order for days, and maybe its just me being way too detail oriented (occupational hazzard or just plain obsessive behaviour)but either way, its coming along great!

This past weekend was filled with a great saturday nite date, family, friends, fun and games. literally. the kind of games that leave a string beads around your neck and whisper "now don't say B-A-B-Y."
i got to keep my beads, but didn't win any one elses. its bazarre when all your friends start to get married and have kids. for no reason at all this little pressure bubble floats around and makes you slightly more aware of where you are in your significant time line. it doesn't matter what you see for yourself or what you want...you just start to think.
houses and babies and ten year plans...
right now you're making a face that will dead on give away your opinion on all three of these things.

hmm...i'm loving one step at a time with my doll, the dogggaayyy and a house full of family that might as well be my own. all things in their own time. seemingly domesticated sure, but you never know what we'll pick up and do next! so many personal adventures, (and quick internet renovation fixes...measure once, cut twice)
its amazing how much life has changed. I've found myself surrounded by positivity, creativity, some painful "logic" lessons, lots of love and even more hugs. see? all about the love.

my dad came over to the house on saturday to pick up his motorcycle helmet, he was going to check out a bike on sunday...i wonder how he did with that. my dad has been riding since he was 18, taught the motorcycle training course at humber college for a few years...he's so little its funny to see him hop on these big bikes and just pick up and ride. Ken will be a pro by the time the weather turns cool and next spring it'll be me learning. haha...maybe i'll start with a scooter.
nothing vespa though, thats for min-o and her vintage lilac.
(maybe we can find you a cute little helmet when we get to hong kong...)
if powerbar and i don't make it out there in january, that means we'll be moved out and settled for a trip next year! so on a moving forward basis,(there's that jargon)
i feel the force...a path. I don't need to see it clearly, i already know its there. there's a path for everyone and their wookie. there are people and places waiting for us. keep moving and share your stories! on blitzen, on donner...on satan..er..Santa!

love and light,

may you all have the courage to see and follow your path...and 'out indie' eachother.

hide and seek

2005-07-26T11:03:00.000-04:00

it's 11am and cloudy, the rain stopped and i'm sure the humidity has let up a bit. its one of those days that warrants walking down the street indepentantly on a mission with no real mission, really craving a cigarette though you quit three years ago. oblivious to other people as people...moving, but no different than that peice of paper blowing across the street. you walk past them like the world is put on slow motion, you'd have to ask twice if someone actually stopped to ask you something.
...sunglasses on because although the sun is resting, its still unnaturally bright. Queue the muggy air to create the temporary effects of a hangover headache. its been a while, but i still remember. On the happy side of indifferent - if there's a word for that i'd endulge enlightenment - imogen is singing to me, a song called hide and seek. just her voice and some added effect that makes it sound slightly distorted, like a flanger and a guitar or pushing the piano pedals (not that i can pretend to know anything about music and her effects...technically speaking.) my friends outside the window are waving their leaves again, gently encouraging some thoughtfullness so i thought i'd better honour that.
in with the love, out with the jive. today is a good day to let it go...run, be free!

i'll most likely read this in another hour and post again in my own defense.
...hippies with mood swings..such fun you know. sounds like a yin day to me.

ciao

bonne weekend!

2005-07-22T15:00:00.000-04:00

omg will this day ever end? its like the count down for santa (or cultural equivalent) for all those who believe. its not a bad boring holy crap i want out of here day..its pseudo-sugar-high get me ready for my wide open weekend thing. Seems the time you have minimal plans for gets filled up the fastest because you all of a sudden have 'time' to get EVERYTHING you've wanted to do, done. Yeah right. Isn't that just positive programming for get overwhelmed without a plan and start 30 things you won't finish 'before your birthday'?

out came the sun this afternoon and dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider is ready to go. I've been trying to do some updates in resume land..we all have to do it sometime. only i'm finding it difficult to hype up a job that for the most part, I'm not allowed to talk about due to contract, content, rainbow tape...pick a colour. not that you can't stretch the truth or bend the rules, but that takes focus that i've used up already...on staring at the trees outside, past the bars on the basement window i work under, i mean blogging, I mean tracking email and such work realted tasks...uuuughg TGIFF.
one thing for sure, the superman blue carpet and silver trim are stimulating, yet easy on the eyes.

here's me wishing you all a very happy, very creative, find time to do something you've been putting off (nature induced, imaginary or SUPERnatural) kind of weekend.

a demain, a tout a l'heure,

le Kaw

enter stage right

2005-07-21T09:08:00.000-04:00

Aloha everybody, whoever you may consist of...
driving in this morning i decided i love working in liberty village. okay maybe not the working part, but the break from working that allows you to step outside and breathe in the green of the trees...and the condo construction dust. its a lovely habbit of mine to match everything good i say with a the contradictory not so good, today i'm gonna keep that under a different hat.

So hitting the streets i ran into a girl. The chain she held lead your eyes to a giant silver pit bull with the biggest fattest skull i've ever seen, the whole head was divided by his massive mouth...tongue hanging out in the heat, he blinked at me while i rubbed his little piggy ears. he was so soft and shiney...moving on, a tiny four legged blonde bullet ran past me...i think they call them pugs, but when they're that little i think they deserve a completely different name. I'd be happy to read comments on that. it had a little black nose, a tail and a snort...and it made my day. Also, i find it absolutely hilarious that in the middle of down town toronto, i can run into friends wearing bohemian skirts and flip flops telling me about how they bought honey sticks from the market, the outdoor all organic market of course. we're such hippies. I mean i know thats the trend at the moment, and sure alot of it is genuine personality, but being around here is like being on a movie set sometimes, its very surreal...maybe it was just a perfect sunshiney day yesterday. all this ranting and natural awe of sunshine happiness its no wonder i never did drugs. I never had to.

We went swimming last nite at the rec center after i took my litte ju dzai for a walk. the pool was packed full of kids and adults...babies and volley balls, not to be mistaken for eachother. after summersalts and dolphin kicks, water up my nose and a few laps of dogge paddle, i treaded water staring at a clock with four extra timing hands in red blue green and yellow. once you're eyes blurred out from the chlorine it looked like a windmill. only it tells time and doesn't power anything.
i had a great sleep, great morning, ken rev'd up and took the motorcycle to work today for the first time, it was something like watching your kids go on the first day of school. He leaned in for a kiss (helmet on) and i smiled to myself as he wobbled off the sidestreet and took off solid for the highway. You go doll, you go.
I, however, got the cd player all to myself for a good 45 minutes in what turned out to be pretty fantastic flowing traffic...joe enjoyed the music from the cupholder beside me.

so school tonite, should be as enlightening as ever. no that wasn't a dry sarcastic attitude. to be honest the teacher is amazing, the class is great. its a business class with an edge i can relate to so it should prove to be not so boring. there is the aspect of the statistics and marketing, but she presents it in a way that almost draws pictures of everything in your head for you. and not chart pictures, squiggly pictures you have no trouble remembering. Its very bazarre. I'm telling you for something i started out of my own personal interest i've really gained alot from these courses.

in closing, i apologize for my absense (not absinthe) and i shall try to become more blog like..since its very hippocritical of me that i coaxed a few of you into this and then blogged out myself.

don't forget to brush
(teeth, dogs, body hair and artwork)

K to the e-l

Highway History

2005-06-15T09:35:00.000-04:00

how is it that a little pink screen can laugh at you and say ha ha loser you have nothing important to say, how an empty white box with a blinking cursor waiting for text can be so overwhelming? it tempts me to write only to make a fool of myself and my little thoughts and observations. feels like starting an essay thats due yesterday.

i noticed on the way to work that highway driving is FULL of history. i've never actually looked out and been aware of what you can really see on the side of the road. what events have occured. besides the occasional interesting roadkill and the oh so cool my car changes colour in the sun paint job of some shitbox gone fast and furious, there are miscellaneous car parts that hint at the series of unfortunate events taken place, to keep you occupied on the long journey to work.

you can not only see (and hear if you imagine) the long scrapes of said paint jobs along the steely highway dividers, but you can also make out the dents and kinks leftover from impacts. this morings eye candy was a bumper that had been crushed under the bent metal divider and ripped off, stuck and hanging there in scraggled bits.

a license plate mashed up and wrapped around steel bolt...in one second of crashy speediness, some one cuts you off, you're front plate is gone and your car is fucked. peices of tire, glass, mirror, hats, popped balloons, then sometimes you even see that people have placed flowers in the middle of the highway, further symbolizing fatal accidents. how the hell do you place flowers in the middle of the highway, without inducing fatality yourself?

i took a picture of this truck we got stuck behind in rush hour one day. my digital camera is for SUCKS so the pictures run completely parallel to that statement.
i have never seen a truck like this before, this is not to say they don't exist. obviously they do. it was a vehicle used for collecting garbage with a reservoir on the top i guess, like an extra shelf...jammed everywhere in this garbage truck-protruding endlessly, were ribs, bones, bones, MORE bones, fat, leftover meaty grossness hanging off everywhere tumbling with the traffic. they over stuffed the actual storage/crushing area, and tossed MORE bones on the top ..piles and piles of animal carcass bumping and sliming and jiggling slowly down the road, half a chevron in front of us. a slime of chunky fat slid down the outside of the truck and got stuck on the bumper. it might as well have been leaving a trail down the windsheild. the frowny crinkle 'thats disgusting' face is involuntary.
i wonder how many things they do with those bones and squishy fat. from fight club to pet stores, this had to be talked about. it's just something you don't get to be stuck behind everyday.

A Dream with No Pictures

2005-06-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

Last night i had a dream that the town i live in was being hit by napalm bombs. the person i saw dying was sly stallone...and i haven't even seen the contender. who knew that gasoline and styrofoam jelly could bring such a deadly sting...

the night before, i dreamed of axl. yeah you heard me. what does it mean when guns and roses are guest speakers in a class you have to go to because a little blue spirit boy told you he needed your help? turns out nothing happened in that class except someone stole my beads, and the rocket queens that started the class turned into a dave matthews type band covering mr.brownstone-acoustic. I'll let you make up your own mind about that one. i remember feeling it was time to leave.

turns out this class was in this huge castle type structure, i walked outside to a hilly and green park, the grounds were beautiful. from huge tree to tree outside, hung out for decoration were these great hand made quilty blankets, all covered in textured triangles sewn together squares of gypsy-like goodness. There was a teacher with frazzled blond hair wearing flowing purple panels of fabric that moved around her like she had no figure underneath. she was making gestures of thanks to thin air. she had two dogs with her keeping the crowd occupied and kept smiling at something beside her that no one else could see. i wondered what it was.

as i looked up into the clouds i saw something that looked like heat waves. as my focus on the area phased out, a piece of castle wall appeared rubbed out of the sky. the teacher saw my surprise and walked over to me smiling. she spoke without words and made a gesture with her hand across the horizon. the clouds cleared, and the castle wall appeared and stretched so far across the sky i couldn't comprehend. how did i not see this before? from blue spirits to hidden sky castles, i looked down and could now see the little blue sparks of energy beside her, that was supposed to represent a pet-which she was talking to earlier. I put my hand down to pet it, and it came up to meet me. it was like a tickle of pins and needles on my hand.

the teacher guided me away from the crowd and said all i had to to was look, we can all SEE...and that there was another reason i was here, in this dream. so now i realize i'm dreaming. she smiled and walked away, and i turned around to see a vision of my mom calmly patting the dust out of one of the gypsy quilts so she could bring it home with her.I was fully aware that this was a vision as i took my first step towards her. the image her, wrapped in violet too, seemed to sway with each footprint i left behind. my destination was a hug, a memory in the centre of a healing, soothing, swirling insense called Mom.

I didn't wake up at this point. If i had, i imagine a sadness would reside, like she was taken away too early again. I woke up walking away because i was ready, the energy of this whole dream left me feeling like everything was as it should be. I say that to myself alot, but to feel it so completely is a gift, especially when the waking world of 'forget the focus and take the shot' does indeed feel so relevant.

i never thought i'd be the lame-o blogging dreams. i know these entries aren't filled with big words and lots of pictures, give it time. sometimes its nice to create your own visuals.

Dreams are pure nature; they show us the unvarnished, natural truth, and are therefore fitted, as nothing else is, to give us back an attitude that accords with our basic human nature when our consciousness has strayed too far from its foundations and run into an impasse.

C.G Jung

Gently Thumbing

2005-06-07T09:35:00.000-04:00

Making heads
Flower stems
Rolling eyes
Stripey gems
Open seam
At the mouth
Curving up
Spiral south
Piece of mind
Follow through
Working hands
This is you

A Blog Beginning

2005-06-05T21:03:00.000-04:00

hold the paint chips madam_batman, i think this pink is really the one. After seeing the trend of black blogs, i'm beginning to think pink...not for the pornographies, and not for trendy queen street last summer, but for self induced colour therapy. Mind Over Mood and The Sound of Paper on the top of my list.
I'm sitting here wishing my homework away,I have one more presentation left. Its all in my head, so why is it that getting it out takes SOOOOO long. The solace of the red room is perfect and the laptop feels more like a pet on my lap than buzzing, slow ass,'I'll open things when i damn well please' piece of technology...either way this was a good distraction. I made a clay head today. That was another good distraction. it has stripey eyes. and a flower. and a skewer through it.
it will make lovely company for miss jade.

Enter the Ragdoll

2005-06-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

What I’d like most right now feels much beyond my level of astral connection...astral projection maybe, but even that requires a more developed third eye considering the smog alert for downtown toronto. Forget about digi-cams and bug reports, the smell of fresh metallic silver trim sans the open windows, fast bodies that stutter and group around the office all day like that part in the movie they speed up to prove a point. Enter a new scene. As much as I’d like, I won’t wish this away. I appreciate and will stand by the concept of being comfortable in my skin, even though it feels gnawed on by circumstances beyond my control. I know today that I am thankful for what I have, and proud of where I am despite the emotional oposite. I don’t 'wish' to be the ragdoll, or run away with the circus. I am the ragdoll, and the circus is everywhere. Maybe the homeless woman got it right and it IS all about silver pants and stuffed animal slippers...and turbans...and oh so many other things.

Very Nearly Blog

2005-06-01T10:19:00.000-04:00

A Proper Tea is much nicer than a Very Nearly Tea,
which is one you forget about afterwards.

~A.A. Milne